Newborn no more

Cayden is 4 months old adjusted age today.  With tears in my eyes, I packed away all of his newborn clothes and most of his 0-3 months outfits because they're too small.  I've been trying to kid myself and delay the inevitable by cramming him into a couple cute outfits over the past week, but he was literally bursting the seams, popping the snaps, and looking entirely uncomfortable, so I had to acknowledge the fact that he is no longer a tiny baby and forced myself to pack up the small stuff for good.

He had a follow up visit with Dr. Rosenberg today and everything checked out well.  He seems to be over his cold and is back on track with feedings.  We've been giving him a little rice cereal every other day or so too.  I don't know where it goes - if it's absorbing into his bib or evaporating or what - but despite the fact that most of it seems to get pushed out with his tongue, the bowl has been empty at the end of the "feeding".

Although he hasn't been eating as much over the past week, his weight increased since our last visit a week ago.  He's 13 lbs. 7 oz. and there was even discussion of him maybe gaining too much here lately!  He's jumped up vertically a bit on his growth chart rather than keeping a nice, steady curve.  Keep it up, I say!

The respiratory therapist did another spot room air challenge on him while we were there.  With his oxygen on, he was satting 98%; without it, he was at 95%, which is awesome.  Dr. Rosenberg also reviewed the results of his overnight room air challenge from almost two weeks ago and said it looked great.  We've had him on slightly increased oxygen continuously since he's been sick, but now we've been given the go-ahead to start weaning him off altogether.  We'll take him off for a couple hours a couple times a day, then increase to three hours a couple times a day and so on until he's off of it completely.  You can tell Cayden is ready to be done with it - while the doc was talking, he just RIPPED the cannula out of his nose.  He yanked so hard, he pulled the little tender-grip patch off one side of his skin and it left a raw spot on his cheek.  Won't be long, little man . . . hang in there!

I spent quite a bit of time during the appointment talking with Dr. Rachel Wright, a neonatology fellow who spent a lot of time with Cayden while he was in the NICU at University, about breast feeding.  In addition to being medically knowledgeable, she was very empathetic to my situation, having struggled to pump for 8 months with her own 17-month old baby. 

My milk production has dropped sharply over the past couple of weeks, due, I'm certain, to the fact that I was sick and wasn't able to get enough sleep for at least three of the past four weeks.  Cayden's interest in breast feeding has also declined.  Some days, he won't even latch - he just screams and cries.  I don't know if it's because he's not getting enough or if he doesn't have the patience to work for it or what, but it's been a struggle to say the least.  Add in the fact that I haven't been able to find the time to put him to the breast most days while Jason is out of town, and that he's been out of town more than he's been home, and I can see why he's losing interest. 

The decision I've been wrestling with is whether or not to continue pumping.  It's getting to the point now where I barely pump enough in a day to make two bottles' worth of milk and we're dipping heavily into my frozen supply.  I'm lucky if I pump 1/3 of what he needs in a day.  Trying to increase a milk supply once it's dropped is a tough thing to do and requires a huge input of time - pumping every 2-3 hours around the clock - and time is the one thing I just don't have enough of.  So increasing my supply is pretty much impossible. If I was able to pump that often, I would still be doing it and I wouldn't have this problem in the first place.

So the question is, is it worth it for me to keep spending all of this time pumping (probably a good 4-5 hours a day), not to mention continuing to deprive myself of a good, solid night's sleep, just to try to maintain such a small volume of milk?  My instinct is that it's a losing battle.  This is my body's way of telling me enough is enough.  But the thought of stopping overwhelms me with guilt.  I feel like I should pump for as long as anything comes out.

Several people have tried to help me see that I've done way more than most moms ever have, and that Cayden has flourished because of my efforts and has had the best advantage he could.  Exclusive breast feeding for the first 6 months is the standard; one year was my goal.  Cayden has had over 7 months' worth so far, and with my frozen supply, should get at least 9 months (and that doesn't include the 1 or 2 months' supply of my friend's milk we may be able to use.)  Hearing Dr. Wright tell me that I've gone above and beyond what anyone would ever expect or imagine was possible, and that Cayden will be o.k. because of all I've given him up to this point, took a little of the pressure off and made me feel like it's o.k. if I stop.  I won't quit cold turkey; I'll probably drop one pumping session a day for a week or so, then another, then another, until my body just does what it's being told to do:  stop producing milk.  It still makes me sad to think about, though.  But stopping will give me lots of extra time each day to ENJOY both of my babies, and will give me one less thing to stress about.  And if there's anything I'm sure about, it's that I can use less stress in my life!